Thursday, April 4, 2013

Another year older...

Oh hi it's my birthday...which is turning more into a meditative occasion for me as I get older rather than party + gifts day. Turns out it suits my personality better.

I have a weird thing on facebook and birthdays. If I wish other people a happy birthday, I try to find a way to not do it on facebook...mostly because I don't trust myself to be consistent enough to not somehow put my foot in my mouth with that kind of performed friendship. I'd forget someone important while simultaneously remembering someone less important. I hate the decision making process of deciding whether that person I haven't legitimately talked to for over five years still makes the cut. So you get the point, no facebook birthdays.

But then I feel guilty when other people wish me a happy birthday. So now my birthday isn't on facebook. Someone will out me eventually today, probably, but it may take a while. And did I mention the meditation? Because here's the thing. The person who outed me last year passed away later that same month. I remembered that - that she had been the one to out me - about an hour ago, and have been sitting here thinking about what it means to miss somebody and be sad that they're gone. It's this whole wrapped up bundle of change and sadness. If change is inevitable, does it make sense to be sad about it? And does being sad about something imply that you want to change it? I don't want to get too far into it right now, but this is something I've been thinking about off and on for a while. How do you find the right balance between accepting the world as it is and fatalism, or Panglossism...avoid the knee jerk reaction we have to "solve" or "explain" everything but still know when to take action when appropriate? It turns out be kind of a big question.

And I'm a year older, and people don't live forever and the world is not perfectible. But overall life is pretty good.